We have all been there….
Standing in front of the mirror, telling your reflection, “You’re so ugly” or “You’re so fat.”
Not wanting to look at yourself as you brush your teeth in the morning…
Randomly grabbing your muffin top during the day and hating yourself….
I may look like I have my shit together now, but its literally taken me YEARS to love myself.
Take it from me. I was in a constant cycle of wanting to get in shape and lose 20lbs for the longest time. I would get on a high and start working out and eating right for a few days, then once I started seeing the results, I would self-sabotage.
It was the damnest thing. As soon as I started to do well on a diet, or workout routine, something inside of me flipped a switch. “NOPE, you’re actually not worth it. You’ll never be worth it. Might as well just eat a shit ton of Oreo’s and goldfish crackers cuz you will never look like a fitness model anyway.”
That self-sabotage and self-loathing behavior boiled inside me for a very long time. I would tell myself hurtful things like that on an hourly basis.
I recently found some old diary’s from back when I was in high school, even up until I was about 25. I wanted to share a few highlights to hopefully help some of you going thru what I went thru. We have ALL been there. That dark place….that place that constantly makes you think you won’t be good enough until you are skinnier…prettier….until more people like you….
Diary entry from April 12 2000
“I’ve been having self esteem problems recently. It’s hard to find yourself worth wild when you haven’t had a boyfriend for months. I’ve decided that I am going to loose weight.”
Diary entry from Aug 14th 2006:
“When my boyfriend tells me I’m beautiful, I don’t know what he sees. I just wish I saw myself the same way he does sometimes. I just want to make him happy and if he likes me the way I am, then I should be fine with that, but I’m not. I always feel like I could be thinner and prettier for him. My whole life has been me telling myself to loose weight and be prettier. I don’t think i’ll ever be totally happy with the way I look. I have the best boyfriend in the world and I still cant get past my insecurities around him. I feel like one day he might really see how fat I am and leave me.”
Diary entry from Sept 25 2010
“It’s now one month after my back surgery and I have gone right back to my binge eating habits. I swore to myself I would stop. The last week I have been binge eating and over-exercising to make up for it. I do not want to live this way. I hate myself.”
Diary entry from April 2nd 2011:
“I’m binge eating again. I constantly think about food. I feel terrible about myself after I binge, but for some insane reason I do it everyday. I wish I respected myself more – then I wouldn’t stuff my stomach until I feel sick.”
It’s only been since recently that I have truly learned to love myself.
And let me tell you, it took baby steps. I didn’t just wake up one day, look in the mirror and love what I saw. NOPE. It took me first allowing myself to have the balls to watch my reflection as I got dressed in the morning and brush my teeth. I would force myself to find one thing I thought wasn’t “that bad” about what I looked like.
For me, it started with my eyes. My eyes are something that are very “Wurzel.” That’s my family name from my dad’s side. The Wurzel gene for these eyes are so damn powerful that they passed down to everyone on my dad’s side of the family. My uncles, cousins and siblings on my dad’s side all have these eyes. So I started there. There was history behind it so it made it easier for me to respect and therefore, love them.
From there it was baby steps into liking my wrists, they are small and dainty and exactly like my mom and grandma’s. See how this works? For me, it started with finding something that was part of my lineage. My history. So irrevocably ME that I just had to take pride in it.
Those baby steps into liking things about my appearance spilled over into things I could find to like about myself on the inside. Baby steps y’all.
Once I started to love myself, it was a lot easier to stay on track with eating right and working out. I was now doing these things because I felt like I deserved them, not as a punishment. THIS IS POWERFUL Y’ALL.
You will never truly get the results you want if you do not love yourself and believe that you DESERVE the best.
That sense of knowing what you deserve must also come from YOU and no one else. You can not base your sense of self worth on the perception of others. Let me repeat, YOU CAN NOT BASE YOUR SENSE OF SELF-WORTH ON THE PERCEPTION OF OTHERS!
Not only did I place my sense of self worth in the hands of my body image distortion, but for the longest time I would base my self-worth on the perception of others. If guys didn’t think I was pretty, then I didn’t think I was pretty, or worth a damn. If I didn’t get the job position, then obviously I was stupid.
You can NOT place your value in the hands of others.
This is a terrible habit that many of us do daily. It’s very unhealthy and feeds into our insecurities like a MOFO. Learn to love yourself and know that you are all you need. So many people are hurting inside themselves that they say or do mean things to others. You can’t let their own insecurities fuck you up.
Seriously y’all, it’s not easy, but start with baby steps until you can love what you see and who you are. We all deserve to be loved. So we need to start with loving OURSELVES first and foremost.
Stop comparing yourself to others. To those models in the magazines or on tv. Just stop. Because you have to know, they do NOT wake up like that. #sorrybeyonce
We all just need to focus on ourselves. Remain diligent and reach out for support when you feel down. We are all human. No one is perfect. But finding the true beauty in your flaws is the most perfect and human thing we can ever accomplish.
You are enough, a thousand times enough.